From Within
Sweat beads on my brow, pools at the hollow space beneath my neck
Thump Thump...............................................Thump Thump
My scalp prickling, all hairs stand at attention
Thump Thump......................................Thump Thump
A rush, cold or hot, impossible to distinguish, courses through my chest
Thump Thump............................Thump Thump
A tremor in my clasped hands before I squeeze them between my thighs
Thump Thump.....................Thump Thump
A gap in time, uninterrupted like my childhood nightmares
Thump Thump...............Thump Thump
My mind out of focus, logic no longer an authoritative force
Thump Thump......Thump Thump
My stomach clenching, and then the inevitable release
Thump Thump...Thump Thump
Shallow breaths and the low-pitched pulsating in my ears
Thump …Thump
The impetus for some and hindrance for others
Fear, a fiend that does not discriminate
ReplyDeleteYou captured the feeling of fear very well. Especially the way you shortened the ellipses with each stanza— the rapid beating of the heart. I especially love the ending, the way you bring it back to reality, shifting from the feeling of being scared, to a more narrative tone, relating what you previously wrote to the general living being. I wonder if you were to add more of that in the beginning it could elevate the poem. Meaning, open up with more narration (I'm not sure what to call it) and then maybe add it throughout so it's switching between the feeling and the commentary.
Carmella, I really enjoyed reading this poem. You've managed to convey the emotions of the speaker really well through the images you've established. I especially loved the following line: "A rush, cold or hot, impossible to distinguish, courses through my chest"
ReplyDeleteI honestly wish there was more! The poem is powerful in its ability to captivate the reader, so I'd suggest maybe lengthening it.
In this poem, it seems that you exchanged eloquence for a raw description of physical sensation. And as you're describing fear, that works very well. Nothing better describes fear than the rapid heartbeat. Also, I think that the phrase "uninterrupted like my childhood nightmares" is very vivid. Nightmares seem to freeze you in the moment of horror, in a surreal way, where nothing exists, but what's frightening you. Here's one technicality I would change: "sweat...pools at my neck". How can it "pool", if a person's neck is vertical? That just sounded a bit strange. But it's really a technicality. Otherwise, the poem does exactly what it wants to do, and I was at the edge of my seat, reading it. It made me recall a fear of my own. I like that the poem ends almost philosophically, departing from the frenzied heartbeat to state with detachment that fear is an impetus for some and a hindrance for others. It made me think of different kinds of fear: the sudden fight-or-flight one, and the more subtle persistent one that is in a person's mind. One can get a person to flee, to save him/herself; the other can deter a person from being functional and productive.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
P.S. I noticed that your poems all have signs of the zodiac. Right? Well, this poem is special for me, because I'm a Leo.
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing little poem and one I am looking forward to discussing in workshop tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteCarmella, this poem is so great and I myself could feel the physical sensations the speaker was going through.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a few reads to notice, but I like how the lines of ........ became shorter and shorter as the poem progressed, perhaps demonstrating that the thumping of anxiety does always decrease eventually?
Like Malka, I'm also wondering if "hollow space in my neck" could be switched for something else?
It's interesting how the image for this poem is a lion; a strong, ferocious animal. I believe this works so well with the final verse, "fear links all creatures," because even lions may feel fear. So too, even the strongest of people experience moments of panic, fearfulness, as you so prodoundly wrote, it "does not discriminate." Just something I wanted to take note of :)