Embrace
When days laid out for me are rent by pain
as shards undreamed threaten to pierce my cocoon
as shards undreamed threaten to pierce my cocoon
and hopes unravel slipping by too soon
It's like I am the eye of a hurricane
It's like I am the eye of a hurricane
As if I stand before a tall and dauntless flame,
craving your touch from mouth or smooth hands
to feel myself escape enclosing bands
of hours pinched from others just the same
to feel myself escape enclosing bands
of hours pinched from others just the same
Or moments when my reason seems insane,
you gently stroke my hair, a sweet refrain
it's then I hold a moment free from blame
it's then I hold a moment free from blame
A minute you've unwound from wasted time
I leave behind these walls for the shine
with peace that you have shaped my paradigm
I leave behind these walls for the shine
with peace that you have shaped my paradigm
What a beautiful poem and message! I love how you wait until the end to say that it is your mother, it adds a cool level of intrigue. A few thoughts:
ReplyDeleteThe cocoon I’ve known forever as my asylum
Is always open to slow down the momentum
What does it mean that your cocoon is "open"? And how does that slow down the momentum?
On these moments when my reason is insane,
What does it mean that your reason is insane?
Your stroke on my hair sounds like the sweet refrain
Not so sure that a stroke on hair would make a sound.
Great job!
Beautiful poem... I love the resasson is insane....I love how it is like a ridddle(:
ReplyDeleteThis is really meaningful and relatable! The sneaky rhyme you placed within the third and fourth sentence in the opening stanza is really cool, "always" and "disarrays". I would love to experience the specifics of what you're feeling, to see more detailed images of these "disarrays" and "fears" in my mind. I also liked the look of the poem which is sleek and clean. When I take a step back it's structured very nicely. The last thing I noticed was that the punctuation marks were concentrated mainly in the second stanza and kind of faded throughout the rest of it, is it intentional?
ReplyDeleteBeautiful poem! I love the stark contrast between the sense of chaos which your images relay and the softer descriptions of motherhood. Also, the images which you've developed throughout the poem are absolutely GORGEOUS. I genuinely enjoyed reading this piece!
ReplyDeleteJust a few things I'd change, for the purpose of clarity:
"pill of valium/On my skin"--not sure if "pill" applies to "skin". Maybe try "soothing salve" or apply "pill of valium" to the speaker's bloodstream?
Also, in the final stanza, the word "catholicon" is a bit archaic. I'd maybe put a more relatable word in there, just to end the piece off on a more intimate note.
Awesome job, Carmella:)
Carmella, I really loved this poem! I thought the rhymes flowed beautifully and were unforced, which is quite a feat considering the difficult rhyme scheme of a Petrarchan sonnet! Your use of diction was also incredible. Due to your "soothing" choice of words, reading the poem sounded so pleasant to the ears. Awesome job! The only thing I'd change was the phrase: "malicious venom," as venom is descriptive enough as is. "Malicious" seems superfluous. Also, the "pill" of valium doesn't seem to mesh well with the phrase "on my skin." Maybe changing it from a "pill" to some other form would make the image more coherent.
ReplyDelete