Learning to Sit
She sits
firm and erect on the stiff carpet.
My palms spread out, web-like on her soft chest
holding her steady from the fate of the floor
I release my grip
Only to watch in horror
as her body lurches toward the ground.
Not even screaming she is
one inch till collision and
thud.
My hand catches her small frame.
Characteristically, she looks at me
like she didn't almost just die.
Characteristically, I look at her
like I am the reason she still exists.
Well, "she's just a baby" they remind me
and "you are her mother".
Hi! Very interesting poem, I like how you kind of caught this event mid-moment, during a point of suspense, right before the child is about to fall. I can feel my heart speed up thinking of that split second you have to grab the child.
ReplyDeleteI like the title a lot but I think you should remove the first line completely. Your poem doesn't need it. The context is obvious from the events and the title. I also think the repetition on the last line should be taken out. Since it isn't the strongest line, I don't think starting and ending the poem with this is the greatest way to present it.
I didn't think the description "My hand hits her small frame" worked with the image the poem is trying to create. "Hits" makes it sound like the author is striking the child, whereas I get the sense that the author is trying to prevent the child from falling. This should be replaced with a different adjective.
I want to hear a lot more narrative in this poem about how the author is reacting to the child falling. There isn't enough emotion about the narrator's state during this moment for me to really feel the cold sweat and fear that I want to feel during this frightening event. If you add more and this and message me, I'd love to look it over again!
Even though I know the child is learning to specifically sit from the title, I was also so nervous about a baby's skull, or head, hitting the ground - drama factor for me.
ReplyDeleteI also noticed your enjambment, especially in
"Not even screaming she is
One inch till collision and
Thud
My hand hits her small frame."
I definitely felt the "thud," on its own line, but I wanted to know the reason for the rest - was it because the entirety of the poem takes place within a matter of seconds so it is supposed to be breathy and unpredictable?
This poem displays worry and fear so simply, I really enjoyed the short but creative journey of it. It so concisely paints the picture of a baby trying to sit up on her own. I'm a little confused by the ending, did the speaker hit the child or is the speaker trying to catch her? At the beginning it seems like the speaker is trying to steady the child and has their hand on her chest so she doesn't fall. Then, letting go, realizes the child cannot sit up even though she doesn't realize it herself yet. Overall I really like this poem and the repetition 0f the first lines.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you are describing a sculpture...but I guess it is a baby....
ReplyDeleteThe floor is stiff and I would create a contradiction between it and the baby being soft and mooshy.. I like the consice image and limited amounth of words....It is a bit of a mystery and I would clear the fog a little more for your readers(:
I liked the title right away, because it is quietly funny--since sitting is usually thought of as so easy--but not for all of us! The poem itself reminds me of poems by William Carlos Williams, who I recommend to you. He like you in this poem likes to portray simple clear images of telling moments in life.
ReplyDeleteAnd this poem does SHOW. It uses images, and I can really see what is going on. Nice work on that!
Some of your diction seems off to me. In a poem this short every word really must be perfectly placed and just right. The simile comparing the holding hand to a web in the first stanza strikes me as off base. While it is physically accurate, it is a little too creepy for such a lovely little poem. To imagine the baby caught in a web is not a happy image if you really think about it! And a web is a thing used to kill and preserve food for a spider--not the right thought you want in this poem.
I would also cut the words "in horror"--if you omit the label for the feeling, the feeling will still come through--come through more powerfully, I believe. The horror of a baby falling and injuring itself needs no further abstractions to make it clear.