MANGLED
I sit slumped in the back, seat belt across my belly, peeling off the last of my bubble-gum polish. It’s that “too hot to be outside but just perfect for being inside of a car with stale air conditioner” kind of summer day. Heads bopping to the tunes of run-of-the-mill sugar pop lyrics
-Won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear-
Screaming tires
Dashboard exploding
Spraying glass
Bodies sent forwards
Back
Nothing
The airbags flaunt themselves before me, thick and unwavering. Hands, my hands claw at them until I am hit by the stagnant reality outside with greater force than the totaled SUV 5 feet away. Unable to recall when it stopped, my breath starts again, shallow at first. My feet are set in motion, prompted by an unknown force. I pick up my pace as I realize I am fleeing the disaster, leather sandals slapping the gritty pavement. Someone calls, “Carmella! Where the hell are you going?” Faster. Peripherally, I hear the consistent bleat of an ambulance, nearing the mangled beasts of metal. After spotting a familiar brownstone alongside the road, I crawl up onto it’s worn porch. I am sapped. It is my brother that finds me- a shaking shell of who I was this morning. Arms reaching under my own, he lifts my helpless mass into our house. “Carmella? Where’s the blood coming from? Can you hear me?” Agitated by the aggressive line of questioning, I sink into myself. I am done for the day.
I think the beginning of this piece is incredible. The imagery is so clear, I can easily imagine the radio on and then everything stopping as the car is impacted. I really like the paragraph also, but I think there are a couple parts that are more wordy than they could be. I do think the sentences are constructed very well though, and they hold your attention. The scene of the house is a little hard to imagine because of the vague imagery in those couple sentences.
ReplyDeleteI love the dramatic progression of your poem. From the beginning of the poem of you recalling a sunshiny summer day singing in the car, I did not expect to continue reading and read your words about the trauma that soon ensued. This is what makes it most powerful to me.
ReplyDeleteOne little note: I think the "perpetually" at the end of the poem sounds a bit like forced language.
-Talya
I really love this and the way you reflect on a traumatic experience. However, I find the inconsistent poem style a bit confusing. Though, I do think it could be a valuable technique in enabling a dissociative experience while reading (but I’m not entirely sold on it working here).
ReplyDeleteThe start of your piece is captivating. The vivid imagery sets the poem up as a rich and emotive piece. I especially loved the "bubble gum polish" bit, as well as the way in which the song serves as a transition between the calm and ensuing chaos of the accident. The ending paragraph confused me, as it seemed like a deviation from the style you'd established in the first part. I think sticking to that writing style and conveying the experience of the speaker more clearly (the end was a bit choppy) would greatly enhance the poem.
DeleteI am obsessed with the beginning of this. It is so so clear and I love the insertion of the pop lyrics. The only thing I think this piece could benefit from is a more concise and imaginative ending. I think the train of thought gets a little jumbled when you flee the scene, but I totally get where you're going with it.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is radiates realness. Its interesting how you transition between long and short lines, as if to lead the reader in and out of the moment. I think that in the final paragraph it would be stronger if you stayed away from cliches like "shell of myself". The imagery ability is so strong, don't shy away from it.
ReplyDeleteWe already discussed this poem somewhat, and this new draft is much more exciting. You do a good job portraying how the auto-accident disrupts the normality of the car ride. The poem uses form to portray the violence of the scene, so we your readers actually feel what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI do think the ending feels rushed. It seems like you kind of didn't know how to end it and just wrapped it up. I would like to see some new twist. "I sink into myself, where I remain perpetually " starts to convey the sense of isolation experienced by the speaker, but "perpetually" seems like the wrong word, unless the speaker of the poem never ever recovered from the event, which seems unlikely or at least in need of more explanation. I think ending on an image of the crash victim that portrays the emotion by showing rather than telling would be stronger.
I also wonder if it wouldn't be interesting to experiment with shifting to third person in the final stanza. That might help to portray the detachment experienced, as if the speaker felt so unlike herself that she no longer sees herself as "I." Just an idea!
I love this poem! The form of it is awesome. I would remove the last line completely- I think ending with the quote would leave the reader something to ponder. I don't think the description "consistent" in the "bleat of the ambulance" really adds anything, but other than that kinda nitpicky comment, overall really amazing job :)
ReplyDeleteWow, there are so many things I love about this poem, Carmella.
ReplyDeleteHow you swerve in and out of prose to pack a greater punch.
The (frightening) arrogance of “The airbags flaunt themselves before me, thick and unwavering” - I remember viewing cars as live beings when I was younger so this was really powerful for me.
The inverted chronology of “unable to recall when it stopped, my breath starts again,” forcing me to stop and process/feel it longer.
I love this gripping and dramatic piece. I have never seen a poem with such a prose freeling to it. The description of the accident is so cinematic.. sometimes it is a bit too vague for me....
ReplyDelete